Hammer Man

Over the past few days, I've been wallowing in a sea of self pity; trying to understand why things didn't work out between us. I've moved through parts of grieving, some faster than others, and have yet to fully stop and tell myself I'm over it. I feel in love with my best friend and you see it in the corny movies all the time but it didn't end the way those 2 hour comedys make it out. I'm not saying we're done forever and that this is the end but I know for now I'm too hurt to put myself through it again and she's going back to her old boyfriend. I don't know how to describe the feelings I'm having. There's some jealousy, some frustration being told she was over him and ready to start something with me, but more than anything there's love and some sympathy.

I love my best friend, even though I was hurt, even though I was told this is real and we could make this work, reassured time and time again that I was not a rebound. I still fell into that trap, that serene place where in the end I feel like a jackass. I told myself a few months ago that It wouldn't work out, that she isn't the person I want to share aspects of my life. As I look back I can't help but telling myself, "I told you so!" But there is a love for my best friend, it isn't romantic, almost sisterly, where I want to make her realize the things she's getting into and have those hard conversations and be there when it all crumbles down. I think that I can put my head back on and still be there for her. I'm not a guy on the sidelines waiting for his chance to swoop in, I'm over that, over feeling like I was used, over feeling like none of it meant anything. I know that I'm not waiting for her to work though these issues and while I tell myself that I could, I also don't want to be back in the same place I've been for the last few weeks, feeling lost.

There's a sense of sympathy that also resides there, not a bunch, but some. She left her previous boyfriend in the first place because he wasn't making time for her. She wasn't being made to feel special and I have some issue with that. All women are special and have the ability to be strong, capable, confident, sexy, beautiful woman, given the right encouragement. I know as men we put women down on the daily and while I wouldn't like to lump myself in, I've been on the front line, standing right next to everyone else taking my shots. I think that men who get a woman as special as my best friend have to earn that right and while I'm all for forgiving mistakes, I also think people should understand how severely they hurt other people. We shrug it off and throw a smile on for the day and tell them, "it's ok", while underneath, there's a piece of us that is taken. That won't come back but for the encouragement and building words of our peers and friends.

A wise man once told me, "They are men that carry hammers and men that carry rocks." That there are men who will destroy women and men who can build them up. I tell myself every day that I don't want to ever hold a rock again my hands are dry enough from the sand. That I want to use my work to build people up, that my actions and my words won't tear people down and while I may not have all the right things to say and how to act, I know the wrong things to say and how not to act and for now that will have to work.

So, I can sit here and live in my anger and jealousy or choose to love my best friend and be there to build her up. I think I'll carry a hammer for now!

International Bank of Feelings

I manage a fast food restaurant for a living and I'd like to think I've been fairly successful along the way. I've been doing it for the last few years and have to believe it's a tough job. I manage all the books, my product, my customers and most of all my employees. And I've had this notion for the last several years that people are treated as emotional bank accounts. You put in enough good vibes, enough good compliments, enough care and concern and you can take out what you need, a late night of work, being called in on a day off, whatever.

It sounds cold and calculating and above all, it doesn't sounds genuine. I have a hard time believing that people will treat me the way I treat them; being walked on from past and present employees to ex-girlfriends and bosses. I'm not sure when enough is enough, there's a nagging feeling I get when I get too close to my people; to really anybody, that says, "pull back before it's too late!"

I'm not sure where this comes from, I can't pinpoint a singular moment of being hurt but more of a fear of being vulnerable. I can't remember ever being truly vulnerable with another person, even some of my beat friends only make it more than skin deep and there have been a small handful of people who make it into the inner circle, but I move away or vise versa and then we drift apart, never connecting again on the same depth.

I guess that's why I've never truly felt at home in any city I've lived in. I've lived in 5 different states, experiencing new people but never connecting to another. I'm not sure where I'll meet that person who ever tires of Home Alone jokes or understanding the insatiable desire to be lost in mountains.

I'm not trying to sound depressed or down but I there's a part of me to truly be known by another person, to connect, and live alongside another person. I'm on the journey to meet another person who gets me. Which is new to me......I'm excited..

Sexnections

I'd like to believe that there's a connection between people when they're are physically intimate with one another. Personal experience has taught me that I will never forget my first time, nor who it was with. There's an instance every now and then to check in with her and see how she's doing; not that there's any feelings there but more of a subtle respect for one another. We say hello and catch up, have an awkward silence and then it's, "well hey, it was good hearing from you, hope to hear from you soon."

This connection through sex is deep, I've often heard of it as giving a part of you to that person and trusting them to take care of it for you. You can't ever get it back, you can't ever give it to another, it's gone....

I'm not sure how this feels from a woman's point of view being that I can't hold a relationship longer than what it takes people to thru hike the Appalachian Trail, but I imagine that it must be similar. There's something to be said with being vulnerable with someone. Letting them get to know you on a deeper level. But what if that changes, can you go back? Can you drift into that notorious friend zone and come out again??

What Now?

It's been a long while...I'm sitting here thinking about life and what that looks like and I can't help but think it looks like one of those Rorschach tests. Not one of those that look like a penis, like in Superbad. But a colorful one, full of messes and no symmetry; one with drastic changes in shading and texture.

There was a model presented to me in my sophomore year at Bowling Green that stated, "We can operate as a well oiled machine or a beautiful train wreck." I know which one I'd like to think I was emulating; the beautiful train wreck, full of adventure and mystery, the unknown. But, as I stop and think about where my life has gone, where my time and investments have been made I'm not sure that I can believe that that's for me.

I long for a sense of control. I long for a desire to be master of my domain and have my shit figured out. I want to know that what I'm doing is meaning something to someone and that I have an impact. I long for validation and I'm not ready to bend my knees quite yet.

I turned 25 in July and had an opportunity to look at where I was, my quarter life crisis, as it's been called. I'm not ready for some of those things they say I  should have. Hell, I'm not sure if I had them what I'd do with them. Relationships have been near boring and buying a house establishes way too much permanence and kids still annoy me way to much to be responsible for one 24/7. I know, I know, it's different when he/she is your own, that's the word on the street, but how much different?

I enjoy my job 90 percent of the time but that's even changing. I can't seem to leave work and be stress free without feeling like I'm loosing a step to someone else. I pile pressure on myself and my results and am shattered when I fall anywhere less of the goal.

Don't get me wrong I want those things but that's not all. I want something more....

Go West

I've spent the last 3 weeks here in Ann Arbor, MI working for Outdoor Adventures at the University of Michigan. WHY? I've talked about going out to the West for the last 2 years how did I end up moving 70 miles from home. I'm not really sure i'm still fighting to understand why I agreed to work here and can't understand why I agreed to sign a lease for an entire year. I don't know anybody up here or have any friends to spend time with. I work from 8-5 Monday thru Friday planning trips and designing advertisements convincing people that they want to spend time outside and it's worth the cost to come with us. I've had some of the craziest times I've had in the backcountry already and have learned a lot about organizing my time and being efficient. So, it's not all bad. But I want mountains, canyons, sunshine, and the chance to find out what I'm made of. There's a podcast called the Dirtbag Diaries, shout out, specifically the podcast called Go West. This podcast came out 7.27 and I just downloaded it yesterday, I already listened to it 3 times. I don't know what it is that makes me want to keep listening to this man's story. I think I'm envious and intrigued, excited and hopeful. That cowboy life isn't what most people look for and in some circles it's frowned upon but it calls out to me. I desire to be able to go climbing on a weeknight or ascending 2000 ft. on a dayhike. I desire to find out what I'm made of and hopefully come out on top. Hopefully I can be there, someday.

I'm still unsure about the move to A2, I've been feeling more and more lonely as I don't know anyone up here and spend most of my free time working or watching movies. It kinda sucks. I went back home for a couple of days and they were wonderful. I felt like I belonged there, that people were excited to see me, that people wanted me to be there. I miss that feeling. I really want to make living here home because I think I'll settle in more, but who knows. We'll see it's still always an adventure.