I manage a fast food restaurant for a living and I'd like to think I've been fairly successful along the way. I've been doing it for the last few years and have to believe it's a tough job. I manage all the books, my product, my customers and most of all my employees. And I've had this notion for the last several years that people are treated as emotional bank accounts. You put in enough good vibes, enough good compliments, enough care and concern and you can take out what you need, a late night of work, being called in on a day off, whatever.
It sounds cold and calculating and above all, it doesn't sounds genuine. I have a hard time believing that people will treat me the way I treat them; being walked on from past and present employees to ex-girlfriends and bosses. I'm not sure when enough is enough, there's a nagging feeling I get when I get too close to my people; to really anybody, that says, "pull back before it's too late!"
I'm not sure where this comes from, I can't pinpoint a singular moment of being hurt but more of a fear of being vulnerable. I can't remember ever being truly vulnerable with another person, even some of my beat friends only make it more than skin deep and there have been a small handful of people who make it into the inner circle, but I move away or vise versa and then we drift apart, never connecting again on the same depth.
I guess that's why I've never truly felt at home in any city I've lived in. I've lived in 5 different states, experiencing new people but never connecting to another. I'm not sure where I'll meet that person who ever tires of Home Alone jokes or understanding the insatiable desire to be lost in mountains.
I'm not trying to sound depressed or down but I there's a part of me to truly be known by another person, to connect, and live alongside another person. I'm on the journey to meet another person who gets me. Which is new to me......I'm excited..
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